hungry.

have you ever noticed that girls in relationships are always well fed and sometimes gain "happy weight"? you know what that is, you put on a few pounds and people start to say "oh you must be happy" wink wink. so now tell me, do you have a friend that’s constantly bitching about how she wishes she could find someone to date? and you know who i’m talking about – she’s the girl that enjoys being single. she’s independent. i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t do you know that means! (sorry couldn't resist) she does what she wants, when she wants, however she wants. you know exactly who i'm talking about. she dresses like a slut... yeah, yeah that’s her. listen buddy - she doesn’t want to date you - you're not that lucky. she's hungry. and she wants to use you for dinner. cause that’s all dating is right? free dinner here, free dinner there. unless… you’re a dude. have you ever noticed you will never ever have a dude friend call you up on a thursday night and sigh into the phone… “i wish i was dating someone". nope. not gonna happen. wanna know why? cause a guy doesn't need a date in order to gain happy weight.

all he needs is a beer.

now if you find a guy who is dating, i can assure you his girlfriend is happily fed (ever notice how the girl usually picks the restaurant) and he is either brainwashed or in love. almost sounds like the same thing huh? all i'm saying is watch out for the chick that just wants to go to dinner every time you see her. she's just hungry. if she lets you take her places that don't revolve around dinner at the new it spot every weekend... you have a winner. (but you should probably feed her anyway - otherwise you're kind of a douche.)

auto-correct.

i would like to present the tfln.com of today... dyac! that's right, damn you, auto-correct!

iphone users everywhere know exactly what i'm talking about. you want to say 'call' but instead you say anal. you mean to say 'she said' and perhaps you get sausage. i don't even need to go on.

so go ahead, check out my new favorite place for a good laugh. i'd put up a few favorites but i can't make up my mobs. i mean my mind! i can't make up my mind! but... here's a sampling just to get you hooked:

damn you, auto-correct.

names.

it's probably no surprise that i have rejoined the match community. sure, this relationship began a few years ago in an effort to make some new friends. maybe score a free dinner or three. it has had it's ups (not really) and it's downs (understatement of the century)... a lot. and here we are.

i'm at the point where i'm wondering if people purposely set their children up to be alone for the rest of their lives. just imagine, you're in the hospital room, your newborn baby is being placed in your arms, you can see great things ahead... and you think "norbert."

are you drunk? no really, just a little? i just got a very cute email from someone that looks reasonably attractive. he says he's single because he has high standards and would rather sleep alone than settle for mediocrity. ok, fair enough. words, words, words... etc etc... and the email is signed "norbert". newsflash norbie, you're not single because you're picky. you're single because of that god awful name.

delete.

you have a choice with first names... so why would you ever choose something like norbert? i understand that last names are different. there's really nothing you can do if you last name is, say, dickstein. yeah you heard me. dickstein. i went out with him a few times this past summer. sorry, dude. no girl anywhere wants to be mrs. dickstein ever. sheesh. might as well be mrs. twatman.

may i suggest a life changing solution? drop the dick.

twatman. ha.

manhattan.

talk about watching the sunrise... 

(yes, i took this picture! from the plane! my skills are so impressive.)

tard.

so i have this friend... he's great. very sweet and always trying to help. so much so that he felt he needed to tell me about his "friend". oh great. this never works out for me. i dont want to meet your friend if you describe him as "well, he's nice. you should give him a chance." no. no i shouldnt. you should go to hell for asking me to give your loser friend a chance.

so of course, we are out at a bar watching football when my friend's friend shows up. let's call my friend winston. and let's call his friend trevor. so, we're at the bar watching a football game when winston says "oh my friend's here." as if in slow motion, i turn around to see... no one. who is winston's friend? where is he? i don't even see anyone worth noticing. oh... that's because winston's friend, trevor, is someone i would never ever notice. ever. i know, i might go to hell for that. that's fine. i'd rather go to there than go anywhere with trevor.

so, after karate chopping winston in the arm, i decided to ignore every single one of trevor's questions for the entire evening. the night really hit a high point when trevor kept talking about his jet ski.

"you should totally come out on the jet skis."
"can you jet ski?"
"have you ever been on a jet ski?"
"yeah, we have a few jet skis."
"can you jet ski?"
"wanna come out some time? you know, and ride the jet skis?"

no trevor. believe it or not, i don't want to ride the jet ski. i don't want to see the jet ski. to be quite honest, i don't even know why you are still here. please, go. go ride your jet ski into a wall.

and i thought it was over. but no. ohhh no. let's fast forward a few months. my dear friend, winston, has invited me to his girlfriend's baby shower. yes! i love babies!

and guess who shows up. nobody. nobody worth noticing, that is. and that's when i hear, "hey! you totally shoulda come out on my jet ski that day." oh. my. god. this can't be happening. as the evening passes i begin feeling a sense of relief. i am almost out of here without having to make any actual contact with trevor the tard. i make my way to winston and give him a big hug. the next time i see him he will be a daddy! and that's when winston utters the following words in trevor's earshot "so you think you'll be able to get to 95?"

cue mr. wonderful, "you can follow me, i'm headed to the highway!" of course you are. so as i'm pulling out of winston's building, guess whose porsche i am behind. sigh. it's ok, i am in the safety of my own car. until we pull up to a red light. please understand that the following is in no way fictitious.

trevor gets out of his car, walks to my window, and asks me for my number so i don't get lost on the way to the highway.

are you kidding me? no really, are you? god?

ugh. it's 561...

and for my stupidity i am now being punished.

nov 6: it was nice meeting you again. (puke)
nov 6: if you want to goto the bears game let me know. (i do, but not with you)
nov 6: or do you want to goto buffalo tomorrow for the bears/bills game? (eww. id have to be on the same plane as you)
nov 6: ill probably have to stand in front of a fridge with the freezer open for a few hours to get used to the cold. (youre an idiot)
nov 8: hey whats up? heat/celtics - you wanna go? (i do, but not with you)
nov 8: are you in ny? how long will you be there? (omg leave me alone. you asked me this at winston's party)
nov 8: who has better pizza? chicago or ny? (chicago duh. now go away)
nov 8: if your trip to ny gets cancelled and you want to goto the game, let me know. courtside. (of course they are. and no, my work trip to ny will not get cancelled. thank christ.)
nov 8: bears next week if you would like to go. (dude are you retarded?)

dear winston, i hate you.

flauntnk

hi kids. so remember when i was going to start my own beauty blog? genius idea i know. well, from the start of that to now i have become a little bit of a featured writer (in my not so humble opinion) for an already established beauty blog! hooray!

posts include reviews, previews, rants, raves, guys' pov, and even interviews. well and my wise words... look me up on flauntnk! i'm the stockist!

now, although this blog somewhat caters to women of color... ranging from indian, black, middle eastern, to latin american... the white girls can also join in on the fun. in fact, my very white friend courtney happened to win a contest for a freebie lip gloss giveaway.

come one, come all. let's get gorgeous ;)

brazilians.

so you probably know that i have been taking private portuguese lessons for almost a year now. (and if you don't know... now you know). i just adore the language. it's so romantic and i don't know what happens to me when i hear it. i love it. luckily, i took about 5 years of spanish when i was younger and although i can barely speak it now, it has definitely helped me out with my portuguese so far.

today was brazil day in miami. food, music, entertainment... and rain. it was a complete shit storm outside. so, as a result i missed the fest. que pena!

but some of my friends that live in miami decided to tough it out and try their luck with the rain. the reason? adriana lima. no she wasn't making an appearance but, it seems that my dear sweet guy friends believe that this is what all brazilian women look like and what all non-brazilian women should look like.

the fact of the matter is, the brazilian culture is so accepting of cosmetic surgery that i think a lot of people, men and women, have fallen in love with beauty that is too ideal. true, perhaps adriana is 100% adriana... only she knows for sure...

apparently my one friend was "disgusted" after seeing what brazil day in miami had to offer and said plainly "that's not how the girls looked in brazil last week..."

newsflash: of course not... the girls you saw in rio were probably cosmetically enhanced in the nose, chin, lips, boobs, tummy, and butt areas. and hey, good for them! more power to the pretty! but, be careful boys. ask for too much and you'll never know what you are actually getting.

blonde, brunette, short, tall... the rest of us aren't so bad you know. 

 see, told ya.

difference.

i die.

flirty.

the flirty floridian is up and running!

as promised, my new beauty blog is slowly taking shape. sure i only have 2 posts right now but in my head it's already a huge success. cross your fingers that soon it will be that way in real life too!

for those of you that are here for my sarcasm and wit, please rest assured that i am going to try harder to maintain this fabulous blog as well.

busy busy busy!

beauty.

so it has come to my attention lately that perhaps i should beauty blog. and i know what you're thinking... how will vanita manage 2 blogs when she can't even update the one she's got. well, the thing is... i've been a little busy. and i mean, i travel. and i have a job. and i do tweet, you know.

lots of excuses. not enough effort. so, that's it. i'm going to start an additional blog. you can visit me there for reviews on skincare and beauty. and although i most likely will not post tutorials on how to do a smokey eye - you can definitely come to me to find out what products to use to achieve that smokey eye. etcetera etcetera.

now all i need to do is come up with a name.

stay tuned my pretties.

lemmings.

omg omg omg! 3 followers!

yes, i realize this is more of a tweet than a blog entry.

ps - thanks kathy :)

morewillie.

do you know anyone that is super creative? not a kook... but geniunely creative. i have this friend who is so funny and so creative i feel like i need to advertise him. the only thing he does that is probably not cool is that sometimes he goes to get cupcakes without telling you and then he eats them all and tweets about it. but he also likes john mayer and pita pit so i guess he is not so bad.

his name is willie morris. that's his real name. i swear. and he's like the 3rd or 4th willie. crazy.

anyway you should check out how clever he is at www.morewillie.com

you want him to write you an article? done. you want him to spiff up your website? done. you want him to play photographer? done. and here is a little proof... look at wonderful pictures he took of me! i mean come on!

follower.

so i finally logged into my blog today after a short absence. well, a long absence with one random visit... and i see that i have a follower! weee! this is all wonderful and exciting. i have one follower! one. so i decide to publish on my page, my list of followers. well, follower. and when i go to refresh the page... nada. my one lemming doesn't even appear on the page! how sad is that?

maybe i need a blog challenge in order to garner more support. more lemmings. like julie and julia. except i don't want to cook all the crap in that old bat's book. i could blog about my travels. or about my dates. well, lack of dates.

someone give me an idea. follower? maybe you can help!

gay.

why is it that so many straight guys think that there are so many things in life that will make them gay?

you're either gay. or you're not. you don't "turn gay" by holding a girl's purse, by sending flowers, or by watching a romantic comedy WITH a girl. let me now paint you a few pictures here...

scenario 1: purses. a guy and a girl are out on a dinner date. he looks handsome. she looks beautiful. do you want to know why? because each person took the time to put together a look. as a girl, i pick out my outfit and shoes... jewelry and purse. i spend time with my hair and makeup. i pick out a nice body cream and a pretty perfume. do you see what's happening here? i put in time to get ready. i picked out that purse because i want to be seen with it. if we are out and i ask you to hold my purse, there's a bloody reason. i don't want you to keep it all night. it's my goddamn purse. and why would someone think you are gay for holding my purse? do you really think they are thinking "i cant believe he brought his purse out with him"? if that is, in fact, what you think... you're a dumbass.

oh and if you still think it's gay to hold my purse on the off chance i even ask for your help in doing so... you can think again before you ask me to hold your wallet, keys, or phone.

scenario 2: flowers. do you know how magical flowers can be for you? do you know that flowers can fix almost anything? that's right, anything. all the stupid shit you do to piss a girl off... flowers can fix it. except for kicking her dog. that's not fixable.

who's going to think you're gay when you send a girl flowers and 900 people in her office are standing around saying "aww, you're so lucky!" ?? you know who? the one guy in the office that doesn't have a girl. and there is a reason for that.

and fyi - flowers does not mean roses. flowers can be anything. roses, tulips, snapdragons, daisies, hyacinth, sunflowers, peonies. it can be 1. it can be 100. it doesn't matter.

scenario 3: romantic comedies. perhaps you're walking the aisles of blockbuster. or perhaps you are at the movies. who in their right mind is going to think you picked a romantic comedy? of course the girl you are with is choosing to see that type of movie. do you understand that concept? you are with a female. how does that make you gay?!

sigh. guys are so gay.

scholarship.

so i have recently been playing with the idea of possibly going to grad school. but, of course, i cannot decide (for the life of me) if i want to return for an mba, a masters in journalism, or even for physical therapy. all over the board, i know. it's just that, well, i just don't know what i want to do. i mean, i do. but i don't know how to get to that sooo i figure i'll just pick something else.

anyway, did you know you can get a scholarship for blogging?? like up to 5 grand i think! that's insane. i mean, sure, i'd have to blog a LOT more often to make it look like i actually am a blogger. and, sure, i'd have to actually write about something that people want to read about. so now all i need to do is rework this entire blog and start retro blogging to make up for all the lost time!

but what would i blog about? lip gloss? or maybe perfume? i've also always wanted to be a food critic. maybe i can write about food? or how about bad dates. i would be great at that! or how about my lack of ability to even go on dates. ooh, now i'm on to something...

if only i was more like that damn tucker max.

darwin.

is it just natural selection if i haven't been on a real date in forever?