tard.

so i have this friend... he's great. very sweet and always trying to help. so much so that he felt he needed to tell me about his "friend". oh great. this never works out for me. i dont want to meet your friend if you describe him as "well, he's nice. you should give him a chance." no. no i shouldnt. you should go to hell for asking me to give your loser friend a chance.

so of course, we are out at a bar watching football when my friend's friend shows up. let's call my friend winston. and let's call his friend trevor. so, we're at the bar watching a football game when winston says "oh my friend's here." as if in slow motion, i turn around to see... no one. who is winston's friend? where is he? i don't even see anyone worth noticing. oh... that's because winston's friend, trevor, is someone i would never ever notice. ever. i know, i might go to hell for that. that's fine. i'd rather go to there than go anywhere with trevor.

so, after karate chopping winston in the arm, i decided to ignore every single one of trevor's questions for the entire evening. the night really hit a high point when trevor kept talking about his jet ski.

"you should totally come out on the jet skis."
"can you jet ski?"
"have you ever been on a jet ski?"
"yeah, we have a few jet skis."
"can you jet ski?"
"wanna come out some time? you know, and ride the jet skis?"

no trevor. believe it or not, i don't want to ride the jet ski. i don't want to see the jet ski. to be quite honest, i don't even know why you are still here. please, go. go ride your jet ski into a wall.

and i thought it was over. but no. ohhh no. let's fast forward a few months. my dear friend, winston, has invited me to his girlfriend's baby shower. yes! i love babies!

and guess who shows up. nobody. nobody worth noticing, that is. and that's when i hear, "hey! you totally shoulda come out on my jet ski that day." oh. my. god. this can't be happening. as the evening passes i begin feeling a sense of relief. i am almost out of here without having to make any actual contact with trevor the tard. i make my way to winston and give him a big hug. the next time i see him he will be a daddy! and that's when winston utters the following words in trevor's earshot "so you think you'll be able to get to 95?"

cue mr. wonderful, "you can follow me, i'm headed to the highway!" of course you are. so as i'm pulling out of winston's building, guess whose porsche i am behind. sigh. it's ok, i am in the safety of my own car. until we pull up to a red light. please understand that the following is in no way fictitious.

trevor gets out of his car, walks to my window, and asks me for my number so i don't get lost on the way to the highway.

are you kidding me? no really, are you? god?

ugh. it's 561...

and for my stupidity i am now being punished.

nov 6: it was nice meeting you again. (puke)
nov 6: if you want to goto the bears game let me know. (i do, but not with you)
nov 6: or do you want to goto buffalo tomorrow for the bears/bills game? (eww. id have to be on the same plane as you)
nov 6: ill probably have to stand in front of a fridge with the freezer open for a few hours to get used to the cold. (youre an idiot)
nov 8: hey whats up? heat/celtics - you wanna go? (i do, but not with you)
nov 8: are you in ny? how long will you be there? (omg leave me alone. you asked me this at winston's party)
nov 8: who has better pizza? chicago or ny? (chicago duh. now go away)
nov 8: if your trip to ny gets cancelled and you want to goto the game, let me know. courtside. (of course they are. and no, my work trip to ny will not get cancelled. thank christ.)
nov 8: bears next week if you would like to go. (dude are you retarded?)

dear winston, i hate you.