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today i received a message from my sorority sister. not just any sorority sister. this message came from emily drylie (née engel). she is my twin sister in delta zeta. it's a long story how that all happened. i'll save it for another time. 

emily's message simply suggested i check my mail. not email. not facebook mail. real live mail. i ran straight down to the mail room and there was a little box waiting for me. the label had a little alligator with a conversation bubble asking that the package be delivered to yours truly. 

as soon as i got back upstairs i cut the box open (from the bottom so that i wouldn't ruin the cute gator label). contents of the box? florida gators 2011 football schedule, cute note from em, and a whole bunch of homemade chocolate gators! 

this further supports my previous statements... college football is one thing. but college football in the south is a whole different story. especially at university of florida. it's part of who we are and who we become. it never goes away. ever. 

some people say our obsession with the gators is like a sickness. i hope they never find a cure.  

go gators.

brady.

i may get stoned for this post. maybe even tarred and feathered.

but... is tom brady really that cute? yes, he is attractive. he is athletic. he is employed. and i love the all-american thing probably more than anyone but i mean... really? and i'm not trying to being a 'hater'... i'm just asking. seriously. i think brady's fans include a lot of jersey chasers (guys and girls) and fantasy football fanatics.

but what about will demps? aaron rodgers? i mean he was looking very jake gyllenhaal at the espy's. matt leinart? trent edwards? eric freakin' decker?? or how about a few normal everyday guys that i know that i think are cuter. (definitely not naming names)

don't get me wrong - brady is definitely a dollface. i'm just saying i don't know that tom brady is the end all be all. that's all. i mean he is married to gisele bündchen and their kid's name is benjamin... benjamin bündchen brady? that's just silly.

baffled.

a girlfriend called me today to tell me about a guy she recently met. this was then supported by details of what went on in the texting realm and the following day's activities. apparently, a nice and attractive 'southern gentleman' crossed paths with her while she was out for a friday evening bite and some wine with coworkers a few weeks ago. there was some flirting. laughing. she flipped her hair. he had a twinkle in his eye. he asked for her number. she smiled, told him what it was and would you believe after cutesy texting all night he called her the next day and took her out for a sweet lil lunch and made plans for a movie that upcoming week. and that was that. he never called again. sure, she could have pursued it but then who's the chick in the relationship? i mean really. you wanna drive the car, you wanna be the boss, you wanna be the man... so put on some pants and be the man.

according to my girlfriend - that twinkle in said douchebag's eye was "actually just satan pissing all over everything." yowza.

all i wonder is... hey buddy, if all you wanted was a lunch partner then just say it. there is no need to start making plans for movies and ice cream.

now as unfortunate as this is... it reminds me of a loser date i went on this summer.  coincidentally i happened to be at houndstooth pre - josh turner discovery.

i'm out with a group of chicago friends and reuniting with a one, jackie ferrer, in town from nyc. drinks. music. typical houndstooth fist fight out back. etc. etc. and at some point a guy who has been chatting me up asks for my number and goes on and on about getting together. he even took my chicago sweatband (clean) off my wrist and says he will return it when we go on our first date. the next day he calls and has the most adorable idea to go to the driving range and follow up with italian ice. now, i've never swung a golf club in my life so i opt out of part a but i have no problem with part b. and here we go...

he picked me up... on the phone. not a work call. not his mom. just a buddy talking about the weekend. rude. no apology. rude.

 we get to his car and he goes out of his way to announce a rule for the evening:
"since i'm asking you out, i will be treating you today." (ok.)
"but when you ask me out for our 2nd date, it's your treat." (what? eww. who says that?)

we get to the italian ice shop. he literally pushes me out of the way. orders. and then turns to me and says "your turn." 

for the next hour i listened to this fool go on and on about how i couldn't possibly know or appreciate chicago because the neighborhood i live in is too "snooty". he then proceeded to interrogate me as to why i don't hang out in (basically) the 'barrios' of chicago. really dude? really? and then he says, "i get it that you're pretty. that's why i asked you out. (wow, thanks. i'm so flattered by your non-shallowness) but nothing will happen to you when i'm around." oh my knight in shining armor... could it really be you?

[insert epic rolling of the eyes]

my frozen treat is now a soggy mess (lost my appetite on the drive) and this guy has the balls to point out that i didn't finish and not only that, but i didn't offer him any. are you freaking kidding me? 

if you were going to give me shit the entire time we were out... maybe you should have scheduled to meet with you therapist instead of me.

by the way - he never even brought my sweatband back. he talked about how much everyone loved it and wants one too... went as far as asking me when he can get more.

dick.

disclaimer.

i have recently brought to my own attention the possibility that there may be some people who happen along this blog that could maybe find some of my verbal diarrhea to be a bit... offensive. these sensitive sallys most likely do not appreciate the word retard, douchebag, or a variety of other words that are the core of my vocabulary.

for those people, i must add this disclaimer... please have a sense of humor. i'm not actually serious in about 2/3 of this blog. except for the bad dates... that's all very sadly true. and i am fluent in sarcarm. if you are not, this is a bad place for you. a bad, bad place.

i also have no intentions of "hurting your feelings". since i don't have any, i figured you probably don't either. especially if you enjoy the type of gibberish i put up here.

that being said... hope you enjoy reading about the crap i find amusing :)

sorority.

the following sampling of photos raise an interesting question during this time of self discovery... will i ever not pose like a sorority girl? please note: while not visible, my hand is definitely on my hip in photos 2 & 3.

country.

have you ever noticed that when someone is trying to get to know you they will, without fail, ask you what type of music you like. i don't think they really care if you like rap or rock or goddamn show tunes and nursery rhymes. what they are really saying is, "please tell me you don't like country music."

now i like my fair share of music although i never recognize a song until it is almost half over and i don't really goto concerts or music fests. this includes lolla, coachella, sxsw, and whatever else. ok maybe i have kind of been to ultra or wmc or something. and by 'been to' i mean i happened to be in south beach at the time.

this brings me to my latest musical find. it is slightly disturbing seeing as how i once very innocently tried to give away 'kenny chestnut' tickets i won in college.  before i expose my shameful new listening habits i will preface by saying i have been coaxed into many a sunday night at houndstooth. if you live in chicago, you know exactly where this is going. (houndstooth: a country music playing bar that sells legit 40s and is located in wrigley.)

josh turner. i know all the words.

that's it. i'm done. i might as well toss out my susana monaco dresses & sam edelman pumps and call it a day.

plugs.

if you have any interest in fashion but don't give a shit about all the #nyfw business on twitter i have a few blogs for you. granted one is run by my fashion guru - fellow sorority sister nic screws of esquire magazine. i admire everything she says - whether it is fashion related, football related, or just some boo love talk. the other by another fabulous sorority sister that i adore... courtney mills. this girl is clever.

don't get me wrong... i love fashion. but i'm broke as piss right now so i can only pretend to be stylish. if you know me, you know that i don't even know how to layer properly. moving along - i am also on the twitter and i get way too many tweets in my feed this time of year about who is wearing what and about some bullshit party that so and so was at. ugh. (actually, i am disgustingly jealous.) either way... a few shameless plugs for some of my lovely ladies:

1. nic screws: the market editor
2. courtney mills: create and covet

football.

so as you all know, i love football. i may not understand all the rules. but i know enough to smack talk, watch a game without saying "what happened? i don't get it.", and i know enough to not plan on getting married on a saturday in the fall.

you may be thinking... "silly woman. football is on sundays and mondays." and i'm thinking "oh simple minded, non-sec school attending fool... college football is on saturdays." people who didn't goto an sec school don't really understand football. not even the big 10. yeah i just said that (and my brother went to penn state). i mean really? the sec has dominated the bcs championship and you're going to shit talk me? your conference is split into the wizards and the warlocks and you think you can shit talk me? sit down.

all that being said - can you believe i have never been invited to participate in fantasy football? sure, i am not well versed in the nfl... and i have a tendency to call it 'final fantasy football'... and well, i have boobs. but that doesn't mean i don't know a thing or two.

for instance, i could have told you peyton manning won't be starting this season. so to the retard that picked him up in my league (shout out to the boone county trash - thanks for the invite führer hovermale... hope you have no jewish lineage.) i think you are a silly twit. everyone knows peyton is out getting speech therapy for that awful accent. ok, maybe not but he is out for a hot minute.

aside from picking up freaking fat jessica simpson dating tony romo... i think i did a pretty decent job with my lil football squad. see below:

qb: tony romo
te: rob gronkowski
rb: ray rice, joseph addai
wr: larry fitzgerald, miles austin, steve johnson
k: stephen gostkowski
dst: steelers
reserves: brandon jacobs + ladainian tomlinson (rb), jacoby jones (wr), mark sanchez (qb), zach miller (te)

you'll notice i did not pick any gators. and yes, i am a florida gator. but i'm not a fucking retard. tebow is a sweetheart but i'm not taking a hit for his ass just yet. yes, i could have picked aaron hernandez over robbie gronk but rob is a huge dude and i think he is better in the red zone (plus that entire family is freakishly athletic). in terms of running backs and wide receivers, i think i did alright considering everyone was grabbing these guys right away. i did want percy harvin but somebody (not to name names... kiley wilkinson) took him right before i could. kickers are whatever and at least i got the steelers for dst.

if you have any shit talk to throw my way, please go ahead. i'm up for a little childish banter. but before you get aggressive keep in mind... as previously mentioned - i have boobs. i understand that you may too... but they are probably man boobs.

boooooom.

moniker.

to my entourage - you'll notice i have updated my twitter handle. although i am quite flirty and i will always be a floridian - i am taking a break from being know as the flirty floridian. it was really difficult for me (seeing as how i had built a brand! you know, like kardashian.) but i am going to give my actual name a chance.

i have also since picked up a tumblr account: yes, i know, i am listed as the flirty floridian. go to hell. and you'll notice i have not updated that crap in a while either.

and i have been invited to join pinterest.

seriously there are too many things to do during down time - which for me is all the time lately.

facebook.

i dont know where this was going but i know it was a real nugget when i wrote it. so i am posting it for all to see... this is how the creative writing begins:

"so the book of faces now has a collage that allows you to put all your pathetic status updates in one place so other people who have no life can read all about you. of course i needed to partake in this obnoxious activity."

and apparently that's as far as i got.