part time sweetheart. full time smartass.

trade.

2011-09-28T14:09:00.000-05:00

so fantasy football has been going well. i have been winning until just this past weekend. so now i am 2-1 and 2nd in power ranking in my league. i'm not too worried. even the national championship florida gators had one loss. and with the exception of romo's ribs and miles austin's bang up, i'm doing pretty nicely. i dropped a couple of losers and snagged thomas jones right after jamaal charles ate shit. sadly, jones is kind of a turd. but at least i was smart enough to snatch him up. i have also since dropped dirty sanchez and taken on ryan fitzpatrick and cam newton. yes, i have 3 quarterbacks. i know i can only play one per week but as long as i have these guys... nobody else does :) i have no plans on ever dropping/trading certain guys (mainly ray rice, miles austin, and rob gronkowski).

and that brings me to the trade i was recently offered...

a certain someone posted for a trade with me. joe flacco for ray rice. and of course i turned him down. broken and hurt, he resorted to the league's message board.

"if you had ray rice (55pts) on your team and was offered drew brees (94pts) for him, and then countered back w/ brandon jacobs (27pts) for brees instead and then audaciously called it a similiar offer... would you maybe be a uf graduate? like to see a show of hands/opinion on what trade is fair... or in florida, fairer?"

whoa whoa whoa. i must say i was a little surprised. firstly, how about we bring all the facts to the forefront. the first trade offer on the board was flacco for rice. which was then backed up with absurd comment that he is the number 2 qb in the league. and now said participant in league is changing his tune and putting brees on the line! how convenient.

if my intelligence is going to be insulted and people are going to assume that i will give away ray rice for joe flacco... then yes, i am going to insult your 'intelligence' right back and offer you piss poor brandon jacobs for drew brees. and newsflash - my offer? it's called sarcasm, dumbass.

and then knocking university of florida with 'fairer'? really? that's coming form the guy who said:
""if you had ray rice (55pts) on your team and was offered drew brees (94pts) for him..."

if you was? really? wrong. how about trying the word were.

if you want to live in my country, learn the goddamn language.

this may be my first year of fantasy football and i am also a female but i'm not freakin mentally challenged. good luck with that trade buddy...

wiseass.

2011-09-22T23:19:00.000-05:00

if there was ever a hat meant to be worn by me... surely this is it.

and would you believe it actually fits on my head?

miami.

2011-09-15T12:45:00.001-05:00

i didn't really love living in florida. sounds crazy, but i just wasn't wild about it. it's always summer. always. there are no seasons other than hurricane season. everything around you is latin or latin-themed. nothing wrong with that but i mean, sometimes you need a break from black beans and rice. not to mention it is highly annoying when people first speak to you in spanish before attempting english. florida is not 365 days of beach time, golfing, cocktails, and whatever else. it's more like 365 days of rude tourists, insane humidity, douchebags, and superficial bitches.

i am not hispanic. i am not hispanic in any way. i am indian. i was born in bombay. i like to eat samosas. just because i happen to have caramel skin (couldn't resist that description) and dark curly hair does not make me hispanic. end. of. story.

anyway, after having moved back to chicago this past january and having a challenging time finding a full time gig in this wonderful economy and job market i am kind of thinking about putting in one more year here in chitown and then possibly moving to florida and maybe living in miami. this all could also be because my sweetheart of a mother came to visit for a few days and i would like to be a little closer to the family unit. i also happen to miss driving my lil sports car. i also sometimes miss short dresses, high heels, and lots of champagne.

things i don't miss? sticking to the seats in my car when it is 100+ degrees outside. too much spanish everything. summer temps in december. mosquitos. lack of real city life.

i know going back to florida will leave me missing the first snow. yearning for hunter boots, christmas lights on michigan avenue, diehard chicago sports fans as opposed to front running florida sports fans (dolphins, heat, marlins...), giardiniera, and a lot more.

miami 2013? we shall see.

sec.

2011-09-15T12:22:00.003-05:00

today i received a message from my sorority sister. not just any sorority sister. this message came from emily drylie (née engel). she is my twin sister in delta zeta. it's a long story how that all happened. i'll save it for another time.

emily's message simply suggested i check my mail. not email. not facebook mail. real live mail. i ran straight down to the mail room and there was a little box waiting for me. the label had a little alligator with a conversation bubble asking that the package be delivered to yours truly.

as soon as i got back upstairs i cut the box open (from the bottom so that i wouldn't ruin the cute gator label). contents of the box? florida gators 2011 football schedule, cute note from em, and a whole bunch of homemade chocolate gators!

this further supports my previous statements... college football is one thing. but college football in the south is a whole different story. especially at university of florida. it's part of who we are and who we become. it never goes away. ever.

some people say our obsession with the gators is like a sickness. i hope they never find a cure.

go gators.

brady.

2011-09-09T20:42:00.002-05:00

i may get stoned for this post. maybe even tarred and feathered.

but... is tom brady really that cute? yes, he is attractive. he is athletic. he is employed. and i love the all-american thing probably more than anyone but i mean... really? and i'm not trying to being a 'hater'... i'm just asking. seriously. i think brady's fans include a lot of jersey chasers (guys and girls) and fantasy football fanatics.

but what about will demps? aaron rodgers? i mean he was looking very jake gyllenhaal at the espy's. matt leinart? trent edwards? eric freakin' decker?? or how about a few normal everyday guys that i know that i think are cuter. (definitely not naming names)

don't get me wrong - brady is definitely a dollface. i'm just saying i don't know that tom brady is the end all be all. that's all. i mean he is married to gisele bündchen and their kid's name is benjamin... benjamin bündchen brady? that's just silly.

baffled.

2011-09-09T01:04:00.001-05:00

a girlfriend called me today to tell me about a guy she recently met. this was then supported by details of what went on in the texting realm and the following day's activities. apparently, a nice and attractive 'southern gentleman' crossed paths with her while she was out for a friday evening bite and some wine with coworkers a few weeks ago. there was some flirting. laughing. she flipped her hair. he had a twinkle in his eye. he asked for her number. she smiled, told him what it was and would you believe after cutesy texting all night he called her the next day and took her out for a sweet lil lunch and made plans for a movie that upcoming week. and that was that. he never called again. sure, she could have pursued it but then who's the chick in the relationship? i mean really. you wanna drive the car, you wanna be the boss, you wanna be the man... so put on some pants and be the man.

according to my girlfriend - that twinkle in said douchebag's eye was "actually just satan pissing all over everything." yowza.

all i wonder is... hey buddy, if all you wanted was a lunch partner then just say it. there is no need to start making plans for movies and ice cream.

now as unfortunate as this is... it reminds me of a loser date i went on this summer. coincidentally i happened to be at houndstooth pre - josh turner discovery.

i'm out with a group of chicago friends and reuniting with a one, jackie ferrer, in town from nyc. drinks. music. typical houndstooth fist fight out back. etc. etc. and at some point a guy who has been chatting me up asks for my number and goes on and on about getting together. he even took my chicago sweatband (clean) off my wrist and says he will return it when we go on our first date. the next day he calls and has the most adorable idea to go to the driving range and follow up with italian ice. now, i've never swung a golf club in my life so i opt out of part a but i have no problem with part b. and here we go...

he picked me up... on the phone. not a work call. not his mom. just a buddy talking about the weekend. rude. no apology. rude.

we get to his car and he goes out of his way to announce a rule for the evening:
"since i'm asking you out, i will be treating you today." (ok.)
"but when you ask me out for our 2nd date, it's your treat." (what? eww. who says that?)

we get to the italian ice shop. he literally pushes me out of the way. orders. and then turns to me and says "your turn."

for the next hour i listened to this fool go on and on about how i couldn't possibly know or appreciate chicago because the neighborhood i live in is too "snooty". he then proceeded to interrogate me as to why i don't hang out in (basically) the 'barrios' of chicago. really dude? really? and then he says, "i get it that you're pretty. that's why i asked you out. (wow, thanks. i'm so flattered by your non-shallowness) but nothing will happen to you when i'm around." oh my knight in shining armor... could it really be you?

[insert epic rolling of the eyes]

my frozen treat is now a soggy mess (lost my appetite on the drive) and this guy has the balls to point out that i didn't finish and not only that, but i didn't offer him any. are you freaking kidding me?

if you were going to give me shit the entire time we were out... maybe you should have scheduled to meet with you therapist instead of me.

by the way - he never even brought my sweatband back. he talked about how much everyone loved it and wants one too... went as far as asking me when he can get more.

dick.

disclaimer.

2011-09-08T12:03:00.001-05:00

i have recently brought to my own attention the possibility that there may be some people who happen along this blog that could maybe find some of my verbal diarrhea to be a bit... offensive. these sensitive sallys most likely do not appreciate the word retard, douchebag, or a variety of other words that are the core of my vocabulary.

for those people, i must add this disclaimer... please have a sense of humor. i'm not actually serious in about 2/3 of this blog. except for the bad dates... that's all very sadly true. and i am fluent in sarcarm. if you are not, this is a bad place for you. a bad, bad place.

i also have no intentions of "hurting your feelings". since i don't have any, i figured you probably don't either. especially if you enjoy the type of gibberish i put up here.

that being said... hope you enjoy reading about the crap i find amusing :)

sorority.

2011-09-07T23:34:00.002-05:00

the following sampling of photos raise an interesting question during this time of self discovery... will i ever not pose like a sorority girl? please note: while not visible, my hand is definitely on my hip in photos 2 & 3.

country.

2011-09-07T22:41:00.004-05:00

have you ever noticed that when someone is trying to get to know you they will, without fail, ask you what type of music you like. i don't think they really care if you like rap or rock or goddamn show tunes and nursery rhymes. what they are really saying is, "please tell me you don't like country music."

now i like my fair share of music although i never recognize a song until it is almost half over and i don't really goto concerts or music fests. this includes lolla, coachella, sxsw, and whatever else. ok maybe i have kind of been to ultra or wmc or something. and by 'been to' i mean i happened to be in south beach at the time.

this brings me to my latest musical find. it is slightly disturbing seeing as how i once very innocently tried to give away 'kenny chestnut' tickets i won in college. before i expose my shameful new listening habits i will preface by saying i have been coaxed into many a sunday night at houndstooth. if you live in chicago, you know exactly where this is going. (houndstooth: a country music playing bar that sells legit 40s and is located in wrigley.)

josh turner. i know all the words.

that's it. i'm done. i might as well toss out my susana monaco dresses & sam edelman pumps and call it a day.

plugs.

2011-09-07T22:23:00.001-05:00

if you have any interest in fashion but don't give a shit about all the #nyfw business on twitter i have a few blogs for you. granted one is run by my fashion guru - fellow sorority sister nic screws of esquire magazine. i admire everything she says - whether it is fashion related, football related, or just some boo love talk. the other by another fabulous sorority sister that i adore... courtney mills. this girl is clever.

don't get me wrong... i love fashion. but i'm broke as piss right now so i can only pretend to be stylish. if you know me, you know that i don't even know how to layer properly. moving along - i am also on the twitter and i get way too many tweets in my feed this time of year about who is wearing what and about some bullshit party that so and so was at. ugh. (actually, i am disgustingly jealous.) either way... a few shameless plugs for some of my lovely ladies:

1. nic screws: the market editor
2. courtney mills: create and covet

football.

2011-09-07T21:57:00.004-05:00

so as you all know, i love football. i may not understand all the rules. but i know enough to smack talk, watch a game without saying "what happened? i don't get it.", and i know enough to not plan on getting married on a saturday in the fall.

you may be thinking... "silly woman. football is on sundays and mondays." and i'm thinking "oh simple minded, non-sec school attending fool... college football is on saturdays." people who didn't goto an sec school don't really understand football. not even the big 10. yeah i just said that (and my brother went to penn state). i mean really? the sec has dominated the bcs championship and you're going to shit talk me? your conference is split into the wizards and the warlocks and you think you can shit talk me? sit down.

all that being said - can you believe i have never been invited to participate in fantasy football? sure, i am not well versed in the nfl... and i have a tendency to call it 'final fantasy football'... and well, i have boobs. but that doesn't mean i don't know a thing or two.

for instance, i could have told you peyton manning won't be starting this season. so to the retard that picked him up in my league (shout out to the boone county trash - thanks for the invite führer hovermale... hope you have no jewish lineage.) i think you are a silly twit. everyone knows peyton is out getting speech therapy for that awful accent. ok, maybe not but he is out for a hot minute.

aside from picking up freaking fat jessica simpson dating tony romo... i think i did a pretty decent job with my lil football squad. see below:

qb: tony romo
te: rob gronkowski
rb: ray rice, joseph addai
wr: larry fitzgerald, miles austin, steve johnson
k: stephen gostkowski
dst: steelers
reserves: brandon jacobs + ladainian tomlinson (rb), jacoby jones (wr), mark sanchez (qb), zach miller (te)

you'll notice i did not pick any gators. and yes, i am a florida gator. but i'm not a fucking retard. tebow is a sweetheart but i'm not taking a hit for his ass just yet. yes, i could have picked aaron hernandez over robbie gronk but rob is a huge dude and i think he is better in the red zone (plus that entire family is freakishly athletic). in terms of running backs and wide receivers, i think i did alright considering everyone was grabbing these guys right away. i did want percy harvin but somebody (not to name names... kiley wilkinson) took him right before i could. kickers are whatever and at least i got the steelers for dst.

if you have any shit talk to throw my way, please go ahead. i'm up for a little childish banter. but before you get aggressive keep in mind... as previously mentioned - i have boobs. i understand that you may too... but they are probably man boobs.

boooooom.

moniker.

2011-09-07T21:23:00.003-05:00

to my entourage - you'll notice i have updated my twitter handle. although i am quite flirty and i will always be a floridian - i am taking a break from being know as the flirty floridian. it was really difficult for me (seeing as how i had built a brand! you know, like kardashian.) but i am going to give my actual name a chance.

i have also since picked up a tumblr account: yes, i know, i am listed as the flirty floridian. go to hell. and you'll notice i have not updated that crap in a while either.

and i have been invited to join pinterest.

seriously there are too many things to do during down time - which for me is all the time lately.

facebook.

2011-05-20T23:32:00.000-05:00

i dont know where this was going but i know it was a real nugget when i wrote it. so i am posting it for all to see... this is how the creative writing begins:

"so the book of faces now has a collage that allows you to put all your pathetic status updates in one place so other people who have no life can read all about you. of course i needed to partake in this obnoxious activity."

and apparently that's as far as i got.

hungry.

2010-11-29T21:29:00.004-06:00

have you ever noticed that girls in relationships are always well fed and sometimes gain "happy weight"? you know what that is, you put on a few pounds and people start to say "oh you must be happy" wink wink. so now tell me, do you have a friend that’s constantly bitching about how she wishes she could find someone to date? and you know who i’m talking about – she’s the girl that enjoys being single. she’s independent. i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t do you know that means! (sorry couldn't resist) she does what she wants, when she wants, however she wants. you know exactly who i'm talking about. she dresses like a slut... yeah, yeah that’s her. listen buddy - she doesn’t want to date you - you're not that lucky. she's hungry. and she wants to use you for dinner. cause that’s all dating is right? free dinner here, free dinner there. unless… you’re a dude. have you ever noticed you will never ever have a dude friend call you up on a thursday night and sigh into the phone… “i wish i was dating someone". nope. not gonna happen. wanna know why? cause a guy doesn't need a date in order to gain happy weight.

all he needs is a beer.

now if you find a guy who is dating, i can assure you his girlfriend is happily fed (ever notice how the girl usually picks the restaurant) and he is either brainwashed or in love. almost sounds like the same thing huh? all i'm saying is watch out for the chick that just wants to go to dinner every time you see her. she's just hungry. if she lets you take her places that don't revolve around dinner at the new it spot every weekend... you have a winner. (but you should probably feed her anyway - otherwise you're kind of a douche.)

auto-correct.

2010-11-25T23:53:00.006-06:00

i would like to present the tfln.com of today... dyac! that's right, damn you, auto-correct!

iphone users everywhere know exactly what i'm talking about. you want to say 'call' but instead you say anal. you mean to say 'she said' and perhaps you get sausage. i don't even need to go on.

so go ahead, check out my new favorite place for a good laugh. i'd put up a few favorites but i can't make up my mobs. i mean my mind! i can't make up my mind! but... here's a sampling just to get you hooked:

damn you, auto-correct.

names.

2010-11-23T22:35:00.001-06:00

it's probably no surprise that i have rejoined the match community. sure, this relationship began a few years ago in an effort to make some new friends. maybe score a free dinner or three. it has had it's ups (not really) and it's downs (understatement of the century)... a lot. and here we are.

i'm at the point where i'm wondering if people purposely set their children up to be alone for the rest of their lives. just imagine, you're in the hospital room, your newborn baby is being placed in your arms, you can see great things ahead... and you think "norbert."

are you drunk? no really, just a little? i just got a very cute email from someone that looks reasonably attractive. he says he's single because he has high standards and would rather sleep alone than settle for mediocrity. ok, fair enough. words, words, words... etc etc... and the email is signed "norbert". newsflash norbie, you're not single because you're picky. you're single because of that god awful name.

delete.

you have a choice with first names... so why would you ever choose something like norbert? i understand that last names are different. there's really nothing you can do if you last name is, say, dickstein. yeah you heard me. dickstein. i went out with him a few times this past summer. sorry, dude. no girl anywhere wants to be mrs. dickstein ever. sheesh. might as well be mrs. twatman.

may i suggest a life changing solution? drop the dick.

twatman. ha.

manhattan.

2010-11-16T23:02:00.000-06:00

talk about watching the sunrise...

(yes, i took this picture! from the plane! my skills are so impressive.)

tard.

2010-11-16T20:10:00.005-06:00

so i have this friend... he's great. very sweet and always trying to help. so much so that he felt he needed to tell me about his "friend". oh great. this never works out for me. i dont want to meet your friend if you describe him as "well, he's nice. you should give him a chance." no. no i shouldnt. you should go to hell for asking me to give your loser friend a chance.

so of course, we are out at a bar watching football when my friend's friend shows up. let's call my friend winston. and let's call his friend trevor. so, we're at the bar watching a football game when winston says "oh my friend's here." as if in slow motion, i turn around to see... no one. who is winston's friend? where is he? i don't even see anyone worth noticing. oh... that's because winston's friend, trevor, is someone i would never ever notice. ever. i know, i might go to hell for that. that's fine. i'd rather go to there than go anywhere with trevor.

so, after karate chopping winston in the arm, i decided to ignore every single one of trevor's questions for the entire evening. the night really hit a high point when trevor kept talking about his jet ski.

"you should totally come out on the jet skis."
"can you jet ski?"
"have you ever been on a jet ski?"
"yeah, we have a few jet skis."
"can you jet ski?"
"wanna come out some time? you know, and ride the jet skis?"

no trevor. believe it or not, i don't want to ride the jet ski. i don't want to see the jet ski. to be quite honest, i don't even know why you are still here. please, go. go ride your jet ski into a wall.

and i thought it was over. but no. ohhh no. let's fast forward a few months. my dear friend, winston, has invited me to his girlfriend's baby shower. yes! i love babies!

and guess who shows up. nobody. nobody worth noticing, that is. and that's when i hear, "hey! you totally shoulda come out on my jet ski that day." oh. my. god. this can't be happening. as the evening passes i begin feeling a sense of relief. i am almost out of here without having to make any actual contact with trevor the tard. i make my way to winston and give him a big hug. the next time i see him he will be a daddy! and that's when winston utters the following words in trevor's earshot "so you think you'll be able to get to 95?"

cue mr. wonderful, "you can follow me, i'm headed to the highway!" of course you are. so as i'm pulling out of winston's building, guess whose porsche i am behind. sigh. it's ok, i am in the safety of my own car. until we pull up to a red light. please understand that the following is in no way fictitious.

trevor gets out of his car, walks to my window, and asks me for my number so i don't get lost on the way to the highway.

are you kidding me? no really, are you? god?

ugh. it's 561...

and for my stupidity i am now being punished.

nov 6: it was nice meeting you again. (puke)
nov 6: if you want to goto the bears game let me know. (i do, but not with you)
nov 6: or do you want to goto buffalo tomorrow for the bears/bills game? (eww. id have to be on the same plane as you)
nov 6: ill probably have to stand in front of a fridge with the freezer open for a few hours to get used to the cold. (youre an idiot)
nov 8: hey whats up? heat/celtics - you wanna go? (i do, but not with you)
nov 8: are you in ny? how long will you be there? (omg leave me alone. you asked me this at winston's party)
nov 8: who has better pizza? chicago or ny? (chicago duh. now go away)
nov 8: if your trip to ny gets cancelled and you want to goto the game, let me know. courtside. (of course they are. and no, my work trip to ny will not get cancelled. thank christ.)
nov 8: bears next week if you would like to go. (dude are you retarded?)

dear winston, i hate you.

flauntnk

2010-04-28T22:57:00.001-05:00

hi kids. so remember when i was going to start my own beauty blog? genius idea i know. well, from the start of that to now i have become a little bit of a featured writer (in my not so humble opinion) for an already established beauty blog! hooray!

posts include reviews, previews, rants, raves, guys' pov, and even interviews. well and my wise words... look me up on flauntnk! i'm the stockist!

now, although this blog somewhat caters to women of color... ranging from indian, black, middle eastern, to latin american... the white girls can also join in on the fun. in fact, my very white friend courtney happened to win a contest for a freebie lip gloss giveaway.

come one, come all. let's get gorgeous ;)

brazilians.

2010-04-18T23:11:00.000-05:00

so you probably know that i have been taking private portuguese lessons for almost a year now. (and if you don't know... now you know). i just adore the language. it's so romantic and i don't know what happens to me when i hear it. i love it. luckily, i took about 5 years of spanish when i was younger and although i can barely speak it now, it has definitely helped me out with my portuguese so far.

today was brazil day in miami. food, music, entertainment... and rain. it was a complete shit storm outside. so, as a result i missed the fest. que pena!

but some of my friends that live in miami decided to tough it out and try their luck with the rain. the reason? adriana lima. no she wasn't making an appearance but, it seems that my dear sweet guy friends believe that this is what all brazilian women look like and what all non-brazilian women should look like.

the fact of the matter is, the brazilian culture is so accepting of cosmetic surgery that i think a lot of people, men and women, have fallen in love with beauty that is too ideal. true, perhaps adriana is 100% adriana... only she knows for sure...

apparently my one friend was "disgusted" after seeing what brazil day in miami had to offer and said plainly "that's not how the girls looked in brazil last week..."

newsflash: of course not... the girls you saw in rio were probably cosmetically enhanced in the nose, chin, lips, boobs, tummy, and butt areas. and hey, good for them! more power to the pretty! but, be careful boys. ask for too much and you'll never know what you are actually getting.

blonde, brunette, short, tall... the rest of us aren't so bad you know.

see, told ya.

difference.

2010-04-18T00:04:00.000-05:00

i die.

flirty.

2010-04-17T21:58:00.000-05:00

the flirty floridian is up and running!

as promised, my new beauty blog is slowly taking shape. sure i only have 2 posts right now but in my head it's already a huge success. cross your fingers that soon it will be that way in real life too!

for those of you that are here for my sarcasm and wit, please rest assured that i am going to try harder to maintain this fabulous blog as well.

busy busy busy!

beauty.

2010-04-14T21:49:00.003-05:00

so it has come to my attention lately that perhaps i should beauty blog. and i know what you're thinking... how will vanita manage 2 blogs when she can't even update the one she's got. well, the thing is... i've been a little busy. and i mean, i travel. and i have a job. and i do tweet, you know.

lots of excuses. not enough effort. so, that's it. i'm going to start an additional blog. you can visit me there for reviews on skincare and beauty. and although i most likely will not post tutorials on how to do a smokey eye - you can definitely come to me to find out what products to use to achieve that smokey eye. etcetera etcetera.

now all i need to do is come up with a name.

stay tuned my pretties.

lemmings.

2010-04-14T21:47:00.001-05:00

omg omg omg! 3 followers!

yes, i realize this is more of a tweet than a blog entry.

ps - thanks kathy :)

morewillie.

2010-02-16T21:55:00.006-06:00

do you know anyone that is super creative? not a kook... but geniunely creative. i have this friend who is so funny and so creative i feel like i need to advertise him. the only thing he does that is probably not cool is that sometimes he goes to get cupcakes without telling you and then he eats them all and tweets about it. but he also likes john mayer and pita pit so i guess he is not so bad.

his name is willie morris. that's his real name. i swear. and he's like the 3rd or 4th willie. crazy.

anyway you should check out how clever he is at www.morewillie.com

you want him to write you an article? done. you want him to spiff up your website? done. you want him to play photographer? done. and here is a little proof... look at wonderful pictures he took of me! i mean come on!

follower.

2010-02-16T19:25:00.002-06:00

so i finally logged into my blog today after a short absence. well, a long absence with one random visit... and i see that i have a follower! weee! this is all wonderful and exciting. i have one follower! one. so i decide to publish on my page, my list of followers. well, follower. and when i go to refresh the page... nada. my one lemming doesn't even appear on the page! how sad is that?

maybe i need a blog challenge in order to garner more support. more lemmings. like julie and julia. except i don't want to cook all the crap in that old bat's book. i could blog about my travels. or about my dates. well, lack of dates.

someone give me an idea. follower? maybe you can help!

gay.

2010-02-06T20:48:00.008-06:00

why is it that so many straight guys think that there are so many things in life that will make them gay?

you're either gay. or you're not. you don't "turn gay" by holding a girl's purse, by sending flowers, or by watching a romantic comedy WITH a girl. let me now paint you a few pictures here...

scenario 1: purses. a guy and a girl are out on a dinner date. he looks handsome. she looks beautiful. do you want to know why? because each person took the time to put together a look. as a girl, i pick out my outfit and shoes... jewelry and purse. i spend time with my hair and makeup. i pick out a nice body cream and a pretty perfume. do you see what's happening here? i put in time to get ready. i picked out that purse because i want to be seen with it. if we are out and i ask you to hold my purse, there's a bloody reason. i don't want you to keep it all night. it's my goddamn purse. and why would someone think you are gay for holding my purse? do you really think they are thinking "i cant believe he brought his purse out with him"? if that is, in fact, what you think... you're a dumbass.

oh and if you still think it's gay to hold my purse on the off chance i even ask for your help in doing so... you can think again before you ask me to hold your wallet, keys, or phone.

scenario 2: flowers. do you know how magical flowers can be for you? do you know that flowers can fix almost anything? that's right, anything. all the stupid shit you do to piss a girl off... flowers can fix it. except for kicking her dog. that's not fixable.

who's going to think you're gay when you send a girl flowers and 900 people in her office are standing around saying "aww, you're so lucky!" ?? you know who? the one guy in the office that doesn't have a girl. and there is a reason for that.

and fyi - flowers does not mean roses. flowers can be anything. roses, tulips, snapdragons, daisies, hyacinth, sunflowers, peonies. it can be 1. it can be 100. it doesn't matter.

scenario 3: romantic comedies. perhaps you're walking the aisles of blockbuster. or perhaps you are at the movies. who in their right mind is going to think you picked a romantic comedy? of course the girl you are with is choosing to see that type of movie. do you understand that concept? you are with a female. how does that make you gay?!

sigh. guys are so gay.

scholarship.

2010-01-04T20:09:00.002-06:00

so i have recently been playing with the idea of possibly going to grad school. but, of course, i cannot decide (for the life of me) if i want to return for an mba, a masters in journalism, or even for physical therapy. all over the board, i know. it's just that, well, i just don't know what i want to do. i mean, i do. but i don't know how to get to that sooo i figure i'll just pick something else.

anyway, did you know you can get a scholarship for blogging?? like up to 5 grand i think! that's insane. i mean, sure, i'd have to blog a LOT more often to make it look like i actually am a blogger. and, sure, i'd have to actually write about something that people want to read about. so now all i need to do is rework this entire blog and start retro blogging to make up for all the lost time!

but what would i blog about? lip gloss? or maybe perfume? i've also always wanted to be a food critic. maybe i can write about food? or how about bad dates. i would be great at that! or how about my lack of ability to even go on dates. ooh, now i'm on to something...

if only i was more like that damn tucker max.

darwin.

2010-01-02T14:52:00.002-06:00

is it just natural selection if i haven't been on a real date in forever?

letters.

2009-12-25T18:41:00.004-06:00

have you ever had the treat of receiving a love letter? not a note passed in class, but a real letter. with a stamp. i once dated a boy who had a real talent for writing true love letters. although i like to think i was the genuine inspiration. and i say boy only because we were 19-20 years old.

after recent chats with girlfriends about movies and stories where men love the woman in their lives so intensely, my girlies decided that this was just something that happened in dreams and on the big screen. and i disagreed. that boy i mentioned earlier... he is that type of man, the one that will love the woman in his life more than that said life itself. so i recently felt the urge to torture myself and go through an old box of letters. although i knew exactly which letters i was searching for, each one (and i have dozens) was like i was reading it for the first time.

i wont name names, just in case he was to stumble across this silly blog but in case he does, i will say that he is a beautiful writer. i hope every girl receives letters like the ones i have received from him, read so many times, and saved for times like this.

palace.

2009-12-25T18:22:00.002-06:00

while in london, i took a stroll down to buckingham palace. hmm. pretty boring. the next day i went to harrod's. holy mother. between you and me, i'd rather live at harrod's. specifically in the shoe salon. wow. the old queenie doesn't know what she's missing.

i did happen to end up behind a pack of frenchies at harrod's. holy sheet. seriously, all i could smell 360 degrees around me was ciggies and b.o. ugh. i hope all of france does not smell like this.

candycakes.

2009-12-25T18:12:00.003-06:00

on 12.15.09 i stopped by a lil place in kingly court off of carnaby street in soho - london. holy crap. please start importing these to the us. please! super moist cake base with marzipan-like frosting. ahh! i need the recipe!

not sure if they ship to the states but check them out: www.candycakes.com

delicious.

london.

2009-12-25T18:02:00.003-06:00

welcome to london.

i just returned from my trip to london and i think this has got to be the hipster capital of the world. although i have yet to visit germany. i hear they have their own fair share of "stylish" nutbags over there.

but move over bucktown and wicker park too. get on out villages, both east and west. this is it. let every freak have his day. or should i say "her" day. it seems that all the men here look amazingly handsome (until they smile). dapper, if you will. the women, however, look atrocious.

i have never seen so many mohawks or lip piercings. i saw a guy with a mohawk that started in the back on the left and then ended in the front on the right. and it was dyed red. every other girl has the marilyn lip piercing. thank god i'm indian or i would have totally stuck out as a foreigner in london.

more to follow.

scarf.

2009-12-09T23:04:00.013-06:00

after a busy day at work i decided to unwind at the mall. unwind. on dec 9. at the mall. what?

so, i'm at american apparel and i'm trying to weed through all of the pornoriffic posters they have in order to get to the inifinty scarf. and there it is. on the wall, staring down at me. challenging me. and so i accept this challenge. i purchased one super sheer circle scarf in see thru athletic grey for $37. (of course it's see thru... it's effing sheer. super sheer.) but why did i purchase a scarf, you ask. you live in florida, you insist. well, the reason is that i am hopping across the pond this friday to a magical land known as great britain. and i plan on having a smashing good time. i don't want to be cold so i definitely need a bloody fantastic scarf to keep me warm. and so we have the super sheer circle scarf in see thru athletic grey. brilliant.

but $37? ahh... money well spent if you ask me. this scarf is advertised as being multi-functional. according to american apparel it can be a basic scarf, a doubled scarf, a doubled scarf with hood, a figure 8 top, a one-shoulder dress, a layered belted mini (belt not included), a hooded shawl, a capelet, a layered swinging mini, a head wrap (for erykah badu), a layered knee-length skirt, a scarf with hood, and a shawl. for many of these options, you probably need some kind of a degree in scarfology. i, however, am not a licensed scarfologist and did manage to get stuck in the scarf a few times.

please understand that this scarf, when opened, is bigger than a giant snuggie. in fact, it could BE a snuggie. a snarfy, if you will. without fail, i know this could also be a superman cape, a bed sheet, a giant carry all for catching skittles from the sky when some creepy pixie demands that you taste the rainbow, a burka perhaps, a papouse even. wtf is a papouse? apparently it's one of those hippie baby carrying body wraps.

whatever you use it as, one thing is for sure... you will never get tired of it. i have thoroughly entertained myself with this scarf for the past 2 hours and i have yet to leave my house with it on.

need one? get it: http://store.americanapparel.net/rsa0503burn.html

if i get the chance, i'll upload a picture of me trying to figure this thing out.

until then... pip pip. cheerio.

champagne.

2009-12-07T23:07:00.006-06:00

i went on a bit of a road trip this weekend. all the way down to south beach. as proof, i am including photographic evidence of me and brittany.

we began our night at the delano. always a favorite of mine. headed straight to the outside bar which proved to be a humorous scene all on its own. poor south beachers... its 70 degrees and the space heaters are out. brittany spent most of the night in a friend's big jacket.

somehow i was able to get brittany to get back into the hotel sans jacket. and believe it or not she made it without losing any fingers or toes to frost bite. *phew*

after ample mojitos at the delano we took a cab 2 blocks (it was "cold" remember?") to mynt. i don't know how i always end up at this hell hole. there are more cocktail napkins being thrown in the air than you'd expect to see at a greek restaurant if zeus and hera had come to life.

here at mynt we decided it was time to drink 900 glasses of champagne. "lucky" for us there was a table of brit twits behind us that had a 3 foot bottle of veuve at their disposal. how do you even buy a 3 foot bottle of champy? can you imagine walking into a liquor store and walking out with a bottle or 2 of these? together they are the size of a person. does that mean you can put a hat on one of them and drive in the hov lane? hmm...

anyway, i digress...

so the owner of the 3 foot bubbly insists that i have a glass. i declined about 3 times. i love champagne but i don't like veuve and quite frankly, i dont fancy you either. this is when his friend pulls me up to where they are. let's take note that i am wearing 4.5" heels. sigh. i guess i am now drinking champagne with my new "friends". of the group, mr. champagne begins to have a conversation with me. i get it that he is british and on "holiday" from london town. but i don't really care about that or anything else he is going to say...

brit: so, my name's (insert garbled nonsense)
va: what?
brit: B.U.O.Y but it's pronounced bio. you know, like biology.
va: ohhh ok, great. (umm B.U.O.Y. spells buoy you daft arse)
brit: so where are you from?
va: here.
brit: i can't believe it!
va: ok well, not RIGHT here. but florida.
brit: yeah i mean, i just can't believe it! i've never seen you in london.
va: (insert blank stare)
brit: i mean, we don't have girls that look like you back in the uk.
va: i'm sure there are lots of indian girls over there.
brit: omg you're indian? do you know my best mate! she's indian too!
va: oh, that's nice. (of course i know her, she's brown, i'm brown... how could i not)
brit: you should come for holiday some time. i'd love to take you out.

first of all, buddy, you look like seal. trust me, i am not interested. i think i saw some german model outside - you may have better luck with her. and no i don't know your brown friend. do you know how many "bloody" brown people there are in london? how in the hell would i know your friend? because we're both brown?

soon after this delightful exchange of words, bio or buoy or whatever and his entire london gang begin to light up. holy smoke stack. my eyes were itching and i was terrified that my hair was going to get set ablaze (hey, curly hair requires a lot of product)... not to mention i think i was choking.

brit: are you alright?
va: ill just be right back. (i begin to engage in an overly exaggerated hacking cough.)

thank god for faux asthma. except mine is real. well, just not this time.

ring.

2009-12-07T18:37:00.005-06:00

so i was recently browsing the book and i came upon a message that my bestie's lil sister left for her.

"HAHA I can't believe it either. Anyway yeah, I was wearing your pants too, did you see our adviser's ring... well, old adviser. It's huge! She said it's the advantage of getting married older. haha. Anyway, I got a new phone, all on my own. so I have a new number, I'll message you and need yours."

pay special attention to "it's the advantage of getting married older."

and here i was thinking i had nothing to look forward to.

*phew*

havaianas.

2009-12-03T19:24:00.004-06:00

it's that time of year again. mariah carey is actually on the radio again (all i want for christmas - you know the words). gingerbread lattes are available at starbucks for 400+ calories a pop. and everyone becomes the most annoying person in the world... especially at the mall. that's right, it's holiday season. joy.

i don't really do christmas shopping because, well, i'm hindu. but sometimes i need to go to the mall for shoes, or a dress, maybe another lip gloss. retail therapy, you know? so i found myself at macy's the other day and was wandering around looking at bedding and linens etc. just to look. you know, for me and my imaginary fiance. (hello gerard butler.)

a sales associate approaches and asks how i am doing and if i would like any assistance. nope, i'm good. thank you. i continue browsing... imagining all the stupid unnecessary throw pillows i could buy. ahh bliss.

douchey mcdouche: "hi miss, are you sure you don't need any help? I'm happy to help."

vava: "oh no, i'm ok but thank you"

d mcd: "by the way, are you brazilian?"

vava: "what?"

d mcd: "are you brazilian? you're wearing those shoes..." (he points toward my feet)

vava: "yeah no, actually i'm not. i'm just wearing them. they're just havaianas."

i avoid the mall from nov 20 - jan 10 because of the crowds, the greedy grabbing, the boca jew bitches, and the screaming bastard kids. but mainly because of people like this guy.

die.

linkedin.

2009-12-02T23:30:00.003-06:00

can someone explain to me what type of person is connecting their twitter account to their linkedin? if i wanted my job/boss to know i had a kickass personality, i would have tried out for reality tv.

jc.

2009-12-02T22:50:00.003-06:00

so i'm not sure if you have gotten wind of what's been going on in the twitterverse but it seems that jesus has a twitter account. look him up @iJesusChrist. clearly, the late jc is totally with the times. when i asked him, "why the i?" he responded to me saying it was time for him to get with the digital age and besides, he has an iphone and an imac, so why not iJesusChrist? can't argue with that, he's freakin' jesus. (i think he meant cyber age, but again... who am i to argue?)

over the past few days i have been following christ... well, more like stalking... and here are some of my favorite words from our savior:

For spelling too I hope. RT @iamdiddy: Tomorrows gona be a better day
31 minutes ago from web

@xochitleatsky You don't want to know....Michael Jackson showed me the moonwalk. Tupac isn't here. He's in a much more tropical enviroment.
about 1 hour ago from web in reply to xochitleatsky

Im not.Go get some lights, cheapskate RT @Zilla209: Not spending money this year on outdoor Christmas lights. Im sure Jesus is cool with it
about 2 hours ago from TweetDeck

The fact that I can use proper grammar for one. RT @zachflynn: If we are all gods children, then what's makes jesus so special?
about 5 hours ago from TweetDeck

@VCurrentAffairs what can I say? chicks dig the beard. Turning water into wine doesnt hurt either.
about 5 hours ago from TweetDeck in reply to VCurrentAffairs

@XxBrookeyBabyxX you should probably work on spelling. I can't grant a prayer if I can't understand it.
about 8 hours ago from TweetDeck in reply to XxBrookeyBabyxX

Birthday countdown 25 days!
12:21 AM Dec 1st from TweetDeck

@johncmayer Hi, John...I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Jesus, nice to meet you.
11:59 PM Nov 30th from TweetDeck

and my personal fave was when jesus tweeted at me!

@flirtyfloridian It's true. I showed Tebow how to do that after his sophomore year. He needed to loosen up a bit.
11:44 PM Dec 1st from TweetDeck in reply to flirtyfloridian

in the end this "parable" (if you will) teaches us that first of all, EVEN jesus is obsessed with tim tebow. i mean, he tweets about him for christ's sake. and secondly, jc isn't cool with crappy spelling or poor grammar - sorry fsu grads.

got a question for the jees? hit him up on twitter @ijesuschrist

amen.

resurrection.

2009-12-02T22:21:00.002-06:00

clearly, it's been a while. last post was sometime this past spring-ish. and now i am back by popular demand (justin and willie). so a lot has transpired over the last half of the year. here's the unofficial cliffs notes:

- went to amsterdam and didn't smoke weed
- went to belgium and didn't drink beer
- spent an endless amount of time in new york city
- saw pitbull in concert
- saw ray lamontagne in concert
- bought sweet over the knee stiletto boots
- got over my hatred for peep toe shabooties and now proudly own a pair (or 4)
- figured out how to layer
- perfected my ridiculously awesome recipe for homemade key lime pie
- embraced my twitter account (@flirtyfloridian)
- got weed blown in my face and ended up on tfln.com
- the gators are heading into the sec championship game this saturday against bama (again)
- hopping across the pond to london next week
- following up with a week in paris
- new year's eve... taylor comes to miami (crossing my fingers)

and of course in between these events there were numerous occasions during which i was asked if i am brazilian.

the answer is still no. or não if you insist on being an ass.

stay tuned people, i'm excited to update this crap.

305.

2009-04-27T23:28:00.024-05:00

so i went to my first heat game this past weekend. heat vs hawks - playoff game 3. nice! the seats were great(on top of the arena - but great), the company was great, the game was great. everything was great until the 2nd quarter when pitbull's mini me showed up and sat in the seat right next to me. where is the hand sanitizer when you need it??

this guy was wearing a white heat jersey (side note: i'm sorry boys, basketball jerseys on non basketball players are just plain unattractive) - umm, newsflash buddy, the miami heat asked for all fans to wear black and even went so far as to hand out free shirts when you got there. dipshit.

he was also wearing sunglasses. on his face. during the entire game. this is not street ball. there is no glare reflecting off the blacktop. we are indoors. someone please tell me who decided this was cool. everyone knows that you make fun of people who wear their sunglasses indoors or at night. so why would you wear them to a freaking indoor basketball game that also happens to be at night?? retard.

and although he did start the evening next to me, he continued to move to any empty seat he could find and start talking to whoever was next to him. god help the group of asians he was with during the 4th quarter. when this seat hopping charade began - a woman next to me asked him where his seat was... to which he replied "oh yeah, you know i'm right behind the heat bench yo. yo yo yo blah blah blah i have no class..." you expect me to believe you pretty much had court side seats and now you are in row 900? riiight...

and he was covered in tattoos. hey if that's your thing - to each his own. but having an area code (among other things) inked onto your arm? why, in case you forget and need to phone home? how lame are you? please note the aforementioned tattoo on his right arm. gay.

i just wanted to pull him aside and clue him in on how big of a douche he appeared to be. you are spilling beer on people and screaming louder than the 6 year olds behind me who are hopped up on cotton candy and soda. and stop yelling "did you see that?!" in people's faces. what in the hell do you think i came here for? to eat ice cream and talk about gossip girl? maybe a game of scrabble? idiot. of course i saw that you dumbass - i'm at a basketball game. but who knows, maybe on any other day he is actually somewhat intelligent and charming. haha. no.

if this guy had any chance of having an education i could only guess that he went to miami dade community college. or university of miami if i'm going to be generous. (can't spell dump/scum without um!)

and for christ's sake, get a razor. you are not hugh jackman, colin farrell, or paul walker. you cannot pull off the sexy scruffy look.

seriously, i wonder how many diseases this kid has.

btw - the heat won. 107 - 78.

texting.

2009-04-24T14:47:00.002-05:00

this is the funniest website of my life:

www.textsfromlastnight.com

once you get through them all you click the area code label links for even more silly nonsense. archived texts on the right. i love it.

some of my favs:

(619): i miss you so much
(858): i miss you too
(858): oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
_________________________________

(615): yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
(702): Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
__________________________________

(786): Thats something to write home to mom about
(305): Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
_________________________________

(301): I'm sorry my penis didn't work
__________________________________

(504): dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
(985): doesn't he have a girlfriend???
(504): yeah...who do you think woke us up...
__________________________________

(260): So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
(1-260): Are your eyes okay
(260): I mean if I was Asian they would be
__________________________________

(213) 2:19a: Whats up
(424): Asleep
(213): Miss you... Wondering how you are..
(424): ASLEEP
(213): Just wanted to say hi, see how school's going
(424): Hi, awesome, now fuck offf

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

ideeli.

2009-04-17T12:00:00.003-05:00

obsessed with this website. it's invite only so click the link below. go. join. buy.

http://www.ideeli.com/invite/vanitaaswani

subway.

2009-04-16T10:34:00.002-05:00

so sometimes when you're in the city you've got to rely a bit on public transport. it's not as "sex and the city" here as you might want to believe. i know... i was shocked the first time i realized that too. there should be a support group for this.

i was on the subway yesterday and i really wanted to sit down. i had 35 blocks or so to go. but before resting my tired feet i did a quick size up of who was already seated. a lil tip I picked up (thanks brian) is that this is new york city. there are way more people riding the trains than there are seats so if there is a seat left empty there's probably a good reason for that.

i subtly looked at the people sitting next to the empty spots and now i knew why such a primo location on the c train was left vacant. there was a man who was probably around 28 or 29 dressed in all black with a long thick pony tail and lots of silver jewelry. i'm talking chains, skull rings, multiple bracelets etc. he was a mess. as i move down to the center of the train he turns toward me and blows me a kiss. i threw up a lil in my mouth then and again just now as i am writing this. but i turned my face so that i wouldn't have to be visually assaulted. and that's when i saw a sweet girl make the mistake of sitting down next to him.

i could watch what was going on in the reflection of the subway car's window. unknowingly she smiled when he said hi. she must not be from here. i looked away for a bit because my lunch was coming up. when i did get back to my subway vouyerism i saw that this man had now taken the liberty to push this girl's hair out of her face and tuck it behind her ear. holy crap. she looked horrified. i looked horrified! and i am fully confident that she did not know him. how weird. a few stops later she got up and walked to the other end of the car to get off. and that's when he got up and went in the same direction as her. creepy mc creepster.

taxi!

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

twitter.

2009-04-15T14:36:00.003-05:00

how is it that twitter has expanded to become a micro-blogging cult? it's basically the status application from facebook expanded. but you don't see people updating their facebook every 15 minutes as they are doing with the twit. well...maybe some people.

and what makes one person more interesting to follow than the next? i mean right now, ashton kutcher is challenging cnn that he can reach 1 million follwers before cnn can. are you serious? have you even read ashton's tweeting? it's so random! how does he even find the time to tweet as much as he does?! the sheer volume of tweets he has posted in the past 24 hrs is baffling. or even demi - how on earth do these people tweet so often? the thing that amazes me the most is that they even reply people who tweet at them. unlike myspace and facebook, i think twitter allows you to connect a bit of realism to the celebrity or whoever that you may be slightly obsessed with. kall me krazy but i really believe that kim kardashian is tweeting on the kim kardashian page. i love her. maybe thats why i want to believe it's really truly her. but again, with the tv appearances, reggie bush, Keeping Up, and everything else - HOW DOES SHE FIND TIME TO FREAKIN TWEET??

and keep in mind all moat people do is enter random status updates. im in the loo. im going out. i had peas for lunch. well, not me. if you want to know my opinions on anything beauty related whether it's bath, body, skincare, fragrance, etc just tweet at me or follow me at www.twitter.com/flirtyfloridian and get a daily tweet tweet from me!

test.

2009-04-15T12:19:00.002-05:00

well well... it's been a long time.

remember when I said I want to blog from my bb? I think i've figured it out.

this is only a test. If this had been a real entry it would have contained something witty.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

sandwich.

2008-12-18T21:57:00.004-06:00

so as you've probably noticed (thank you loyal blog reader, jacqueline) i haven't been posting lately. I've been traveling a lot for work and i don't really tote my laptop around. but i am looking into being able to blog off my blackberry.

on a recent trip to new york i was was approached with quite possibly the strangest simple question ever.

as i'm getting onto the plane and into the main aisle, i find my row and the elderly woman in the aisle seat kindly moves so that i can settle into my inviting window seat. people keep boarding but this woman remains standing. she turns to me only to say "i hope nobody sits here," to which i smile kindly and agree. her response? "i don't really like people... i mean you're fine but i don't like sitting by people." umm... ok well thank god you didn't get the middle seat. lucky for friendly fran nobody joins us in our row.

as you know, meals are no longer served on airlines. if you look around the cabin, you notice some people may bring a sandwich, some chips or cookies, etc. my new friend visited her local subway prior to this flight. her sandwich is nestled into the middle seat. "i brought a sandwich... i don't mind sharing if you're hungry." right... "oh, thank you but i'm ok." i decided to take out my book, nintendo ds, and ipod all at the same time in an effort to keep her from talking to me again.

as soon as the cabin begins to pressurize, she puts down her tray table and grabs her sandwich. it seems she asked for each component of her sandwich to be packed separately, including the very potent dressing. so she starts piecing together her sandwich making sure to touch the bread, cheese, turkey, lettuce, tomato, etc with her creepy, wrinkly, old lady hands. and of course she tops it off with some kind of italian vinaigrette. this smell explodes in the cabin. its in my nose, my eyes, my hair, its probably burning into my clothes. she looks very proud of herself and her new sandwich. she takes a bite... and then out of nowhere thrusts the sandwich with spittle bubbles about 2 and a half inches from my face and says "you want some??"

oh.
my.
god.

spirit.

2008-12-17T21:24:00.006-06:00

i just came back from a mini vacation in chicago. it was great. the airline i flew on, however, was not.

spirit is the worst airline known to man. and i say this after having experienced the other worst airline known to man - air india. seriously, i don't understand how any company can be as horrific as either of these two.

spirit's $9 flights are a load of crap. you have to join some kind of spirit membership group that has a fee. thank god i didn't do that. who would fly on this shitty airline more than once? i almost don't want to submit this post as i am ashamed to ever have even flown on spirit (sorry boca).

so let's see... i am booking my ticket. flat fee, taxes... ok fair. 15 bucks for a bag? each way?? ok well its winter so i have to take a bag so i can pack sweaters. ok seat assignment... wtf? you want me to pay to pick a seat? what the hell is my ticket price for then? do i have to pay for a seatbelt too?

after i manage to go through with booking my flight they emailed me to let me know that they rescheduled my 4 pm return flight. really? how is that ok? if i wanted to leave chicago at 640 pm i would have picked the 640 pm departure. but oh wait... you only have 2 flights to ft lauderdale a day. when i call to complain about the time change i am told they can put me on the other flight (6 am) free of charge... oh wow, how generous.

but fine - i get to chicago safely-ish. i have a great 4 days and now i'm heading home. i get to the airport at 615 for a 720 flight that was delayed from 640. but i am told my bag "may not make it home with me" because i missed the luggage cut off for the flight's original departure time. after pleading with the moron at the desk i'm told that they will "try to get my bag on but it is not likely". and when i get to the gate the plane hasn't even arrived so how am i LATE for luggage?! assholes. when we do finally board i am sitting in the filthiest seat of my life. crumbled butterfingers in my chair, on the ground, in the aisle... weird 1970's child molester to my left and thumper in front of me. this guy banged his chair into my knee for the entire flight. oh and my favorite part was the very annoying man writing me notes on the vomit bag. now that's how you pick up a girl for real!

my luggage made it. my sanity did not. eff you spirit.

inspiration.

2008-12-17T21:08:00.002-06:00

so i recently read a book called "bitter is the new black" by jen lancaster. it's bitchy and it takes place in chicago. now i know there is a god.

seriously if this is a true story i don't know how it couldn't also happen to me. this girl gets laid off (ok i can skip over that part) and is unemployed for 2 years (ill skip this too) and then gets a book deal eventually because she's a blogging genius. umm... hello out there... i am a blogging genius too! sure i haven't blogged in a few months but i am back. in fact, i might even blog a little tonight. or i might goto sleep - i'm not sure yet.

abs.

2008-07-24T21:34:00.002-05:00

let me fill you in on a lil bit of whats happened in the past month and a half. during one of my trips to nyc, i fell. on the stairs. at the airport. (pause for laughter) 9000 people stop to watch. you know how many offer to help you up? no one but your damn self. i hobbled around nyc for a week. came back to florida to find out i had bruised bones and sprained tendons. the next 3 weeks were spent in and out of physical therapy for electro shock treatment.

today was my 2nd day back in the gym since the injury. yay me! i was able to walk/run on the treadmill for 30 minutes. yes, jamie, i did run. i am amazed too. from there i went to the mat to catch up on ab work. as im laying there a socially awkward guy also approaches the mat. he does not sit down. he begins stretching in a very overly exaggerated manner. i think he thought he was training for dodgeball in the special olympics. ok, fine. good for him.

weirdo: "so... you doing abs?" (umm... actually these are tricep excercises.)
weirdo: "you do abs every day huh?" (huh? are you still talking to me?)

to which i respond "well i am trying to get back into it, yeah." you would think he would stop talking now as he can see im short of breath.

weirdo: "so, what are you? brazilian?" (wtf buddy.)
me: "actually im from india."
weirdo: "ohhh... is that in pakistan?"
me: "umm no. india is a country."
weirdo: "right. right. yeah."
weirdo: "so... maybe we can get a drink tomorrow night?"
me: "very flattering. if i didnt already have plans with my boyfriend, id be there."
weirdo: "is he brazilian?" (dude are you a total dipshit?)

at this point i turned around. i think he walked away.

thank you, imaginary boyfriend, thank you.

beach.

2008-07-23T21:37:00.003-05:00

i decided to go to the beach this past weekend. please dont ask me why. i have no legit answer for you and i will be forced to trout-slap you if you pester me further. first of all, it took me 45 minutes to find a parking spot. do you know i live less than 1 mile from the beach? when i finally find a goddamn spot its in a lot thats being patrolled by pigs to make sure the 1 hr limit is strictly enforced. fine. thats all i need anyway.

i manage to find a relatively empty spot. as soon as i get there i remember why i hate the beach. i spend about 20 minutes per side before i start getting dizzy. i sip some water. at this point i feel like im going to begin to dry heave. i dont understand white people. this was one of the worst beach experiences of my life.

i got home, took off my bikini and looked in the mirror. i virtually switched ethinicities. it was just too much. i hopped in the shower and slathered on exfoliator. ha! take that uv rays!

thank god i was born brown colored.

caution.

2008-07-23T20:53:00.008-05:00

i just purchased a t3 flat iron. ooh. aah. i also just purchased about $200 worth of ojon. really, it's been a great few days of retail therapy. so last night after i tore open the box to my new pink flat iron i decided i had to straighten my hair right away. normally i would do this in my own bathroom. but, no, not last night. i decided i needed to spend over an hour in the powder room so that i could have the tv playing in the background so i could hear the mets give away a 5-2 lead in the 9th inning.

lets picture a bathroom with a glass countertop. (for those with no ability to do this, i am providing a photograph.)

about 47 minutes into the straightening process, with about 4 sections left to straighten, i place the striaghtener ever so gently on the counter. and thats when i heard it. "clink". i picked up the iron only to reveal a crack 2 inches in length.

oh. my. god.

i thought if i cleaned up the bathroom really nicely and then ran off to bed nobody would notice. i even washed my hair right away to get it back to its curly fro-like state. (as if this would somehow release me from the crime i had just commited... out damn spot...) an hour with an iron to my head... down the drain.

in the morning i went to look at the crack. it grew from 2 inches to about 12. great. how about instead of a stupid caca warning on the iron like "do not use on or near eyes"...umm, thank god for that warning, i was planning on straightening my eyelashes later... how about instead of that stupidity they put a warning like "do not place on glass" or "must be used with heat resistant mat". or better yet, why dont the asswipes at t3 provide you with a heat resistant mat when you spend between 125-250 dollars on one of their irons. how about that, huh?

stupid warning label.

park.

2008-07-20T21:00:00.003-05:00

so its sunday... and that means that scooter gets to go to the dog park. what retard started the rumor that single people can meet other fantastic looking single people at a dog park? are you dumb? its a bunch of dogs sniffing butts and humping legs and pooing. how can you possibly find someone attractive while they are cleaning up after spike?

so as soon as i get to the park and sit down on a bench this weird guy says "hey i know you from that store"

umm... this is boca - i visit 117 stores a week. shopping is my drug and my therapy, how can you approach me with such a vague comment. so it turns out we bumped into each other at the three dog bakery when i was getting some yum yums for scooter. we talk for a bit and as soon as he finds out im 25 (he is 40) he is totally into me. eww. listen combover carl you are weirding me out - stop asking me so many personal questions. cant you tell im making the answers up? do i look like a historian? do you know i got a c in american history? i might as well have said i was a paleontologist.

as im leaving, this random "come to my van" looking guy decides to tell me im beautiful. umm, thanks buddy. i keep walking. he then tells me he likes my hair. ok. thanks. and my eyes. alright i get it. clearly you have never seen a girl before.

the dog park. its like match.com except its free.

jager.

2008-07-20T20:48:00.003-05:00

on july 3 i was at a lovely lil place in nyc called the boat basin. aside from the table of 9 moms, 9 dads, and 9 ugly babies it was a great time. at some point in the evening chelsea and i decided to venture to the bar for some shots. we thought to start the evening out safely with soco and lime. we chased this with jameson (bad bad idea) and then onto some vodka shots and some crap called samantha jones. now i know youre probably wondering how i could be anywhere without having jager... it turns out, our bartender ebony... i would go back to this place just to be served by her - she was awesome... well ebony ruined the evening and my weekend by informing me that "jager is really bad for you girl! its like drinking gasoline and its damaging to your intestinal area or something!"

aww man!

well after some other shots that a GIRL bought me... i was def. done for the night... well the weekend. and now that i have had about 3 weeks to recover i think its time i research this whole jager situation.

after extensive research on google i have found nothing about jager and intestines. i did find a string of comments on a message board where someone said they would rather sip warm piss. thats sad. it seems the only negative aspect i could find on jager was the calorie count. 1 oz of jager has about 103 calories. goddamn. this worries me greatly. but then i remember that i have a gym membership.

viva jagermeister!

pyrotechnics.

2008-07-15T01:05:00.005-05:00

the 4th of july is my favorite holiday. im not sure if its because i never forget the date or if its because i enjoy fireworks. it may be a combination of both. im really not sure. ill tell you what I do know though. i know i severely detest those people who encourage fireworks with cheering. this is not a sporting event, there is no cheering necessary. somebody please arrest these people. they are ruining the show. and frankly, its pissing me off.

the fireworks will not do better or score any game winning points because of a few “woooo’s” or “oh yeah’s”. you cannot sit around with some beers reminiscing about that time back in ’96 when the fireworks really lit up the sky and you really feel like your support made all the difference. the Super Bowl, the Stanley Cup, and March Madness i can see how a person may feel that they made an impact on how the guys performed. but fireworks? at least cheer on the poor schmo who has to light that stuff on fire. if anything, he deserves some credit.

and even if they have to cheer, why is it always that person im embarrassed to share my air with? maybe if we deprive him of some good clean air, that son of a bitch will shut the fuck up. but perhaps i am too harsh. sure he deserves air, but cant we filter it so that he only gets secondhand air? that would make me happy. im not asking for much, really.

i can see him now. actually the sneaky little bastard comes in various versions. there is the fat one. i mean, overweight, sorry. its all the same really. if your belly hangs over your jeans, you’re a fat ass. just go buy a bigger size. at least then people would say “aww, well at least he knows how to make the best of what hes got” or “at least she knows how to dress for her body type”. these are the people who can never seem to get a tan, only a sunburn. they drink natural light and actually enjoy eating barbeque. and lucky for me, they always find themselves a nice spot in front of me every bloody 4th of july. and accompanying them is usually a pair of the dirtiest little kids you have ever seen. The boy can be found stepping on lizards and the girl will most likely have some kind of a lollipop stuck in her hair. strawberry.

and just when you would think thats bad enough theres always some cocky bastard whistling and cheering with his frat buddies. these are the guys who show up with some pretty girls who all think they are entirely too fat when we all know that they have a nonexistent profile view. this type of “american” will come to the festivities in a designer t-shirt that is most likely plain white, blue jeans, and red lipstick on his cheek from one of the drunk chicks whose name he probably doesnt even care to know.

the list goes on.

this year i decided i would like to celebrate my independence day with my friends in new york city. funny how the one city that is a complete hodge podge of cultures is what many people think of as the ultimate american city. so we went to watch the yankees lose to the red sox. i even had a hot dog. oh and i was wasted. perhaps it was the liquid blinders but i am incedibly relieved to have fully avoided the aforementioned idiots this 4th of july. well except for that one guy that was cheering from the rooftop party we went to after the game... what a douche.

*sigh* god bless america...

blog.

2008-07-08T17:40:00.002-05:00

i have not updated this blog. it seems the people are having issues with my lack of time to write on this thing. shut the hell up. write your own damn blog. i have been traveling, falling down stairs, going on shitty dates, and doing lots of random shots. so relax - i should have something posted here soon.

dots.

2008-05-11T23:24:00.005-05:00

you know what i hate? cheaters. not the relationship kind. they are too easy to hate. i hate people who cheat at games. crosswords, video games, football – you name it.

so this one day my kid brother and i are home during the afternoon with nothing but reruns of jerry and maury when he announces we should play “dots”. you know, that game where you draw a grid of dots and then take turns connecting them to create little boxes. when you finish a box, you claim it as you own by placing your initial in it. don’t roll your eyes just yet.

my little brother... my eighteen-year-old (now almost 21) little brother... cheated at dots. who the hell cheats at dots?! and no, im not just saying it. he cheated. honestly he did. sure he claims to be skilled in the game because he used to play with his coworkers at club monaco but i figured out how he does it. what a little jerk.

he watches you. he watches how you play. where do you draw a line? whats your pattern? he is confident that there is a strategy involved in order to win this game. keep in mind we are still talking about dots.

then when he sees you struggling, he’ll offer to let you skip a turn and take two turns next time. seems innocent enough. so you stop, smile, and stupidly say “aww thanks man.” and the whole time this little freakshow has figured out some mathematical way to screw you out of boxes that belong to you. i think statistics come into play – i really dont know.

meanwhile you are grinning like a fool because you think the two turns you’re gonna get will cause you to go on a line striking frenzy. he knows this when he offers it to you. in reality your second line was meant to be his death sentence. but not anymore. all of a sudden, he’s got a hand cramp from finishing boxes. see every time you finish a box, you get to draw an additional line. if that line finishes a box, you go again. its like dominoes.

in the end he’s got more boxes than effing UPS.

stupid cheater.

chicago.

2008-05-11T15:46:00.003-05:00

chicago... chicago... that toddling town!

i adore chicago. i lived downtown in river north. just across from the merchandise mart. down the street from the house of blues. just a few blocks from pops for champagne, water tower, and whole foods. 3 blocks from michigan. a hop, skip, and jump from nordstrom. a quick cab ride to lincoln park. a train ride from wrigley.

this town is incredible. its clean, friendly, and so much fun. its a bulls, bears, and cubs kinda town. beer gardens, alfresco brunching, and summer street fairs. its the taste of chicago, lollapalooza, and sheffield garden walk. its the frozen chicago river, the green chicago river, and the sparkley chicago river during an architecture tour. its the first snow on the el tracks in winter, the blankets of tulips in spring, north ave beach in summer, and evening strolls in fall. its the wrigley building, tribune tower, johnny hancock, and the ole sears tower too.

chicago is late night burgers at the weiner circle. its tacos at TBP2, its sangria at iberico. its specialty cupcake shops, trendy hair salons, and relaxing day spas.

its my kind of town.

laundry.

2008-05-11T01:32:00.002-05:00

so i moved back to florida almost a year ago. but i still tell people that i "just moved back". if you don't already know, i lived in chicago for the past 2 years. really, it was only a year and a half but this is my blog and i can say what i want.

about 8 months ago i began working for a company in ft lauderdale. big girl job here i come. the problem with this whole job thing is this... when the hell do normal working people have time to get anything done? i get to work between 830 and 9 am and then i hit the gym after work til about 8 pm. home to shower and eat and check some email and then bed. if i can, i squeeze in a walk for scooter.

in the past 8 months i think my wardrobe has doubled. if not, tripled. i have no time to do any goddamn laundry so i just buy new clothes. sounds great doesnt it? its not. this just adds to the laundry that i am not doing. argh! seriously, in the movies they make dropping off and picking up your dry cleaning look so easy. i still have not figured out how people do this. what about groceries? the bank? post office?

petrol.

2008-05-07T00:01:00.003-05:00

ive been riding on fumes for a few days now. every time i hit the the gas light i pull into a gas station and throw about 15 bucks at them. take my 4-5 gallons and get going. that holds me another day. until yesterday. do you know i paid 4.20 a gallon for gas? what a bunch of crooks. are these people on drugs? 4.20? really?

the other day i heard on y-100 that gas may reach 10 bucks in the next 2 years. no thanks. throw an extra 100 g's in my bank account and we are good to go. until then... i hope they set me up to work from home cause thats gonna be ridiculous. either that or set up a nice extra deep pillow top in my office.

whats sad is i think it will get to 5 bucks a gallon (premium of course) by 2009. i mean i think some people will be choosing between gas and food. unless this is some kind of a diet being implemented by the government i think it needs to be over and done with already.

at least there wont be as many people on the road during rush hour.

cover.

2008-04-27T22:52:00.009-05:00

so last night was my good friend vanessa's wedding. she looked so beautiful. and her new husband, richard, just adores her. their wedding was so pretty. small and laid back with lots of jack johnson and really cute eats.

jamie was my date. surprise. i love that girl. so we goto the wedding and of course i cry. because, well, thats what i do. and after the wedding there is the reception right on the water - think wedding crashers. seriously it was so pretty. of course, we were fashionably late. and i say fashionably because jamie decided she needed different shoes for the reception. (i knew i liked her for a reason) so we pull into city place in west palm, manage to find ONE meter. we get out after my amazing 9 point turn into the spot only to find that the meter is 15 minutes only. wtf? 15 minutes? what the hell is the point of that? we hit macy's and get back to the car with 5 minutes to spare on the meter. can you believe it? this guy near the meter though waves an orange envelope my way and all im thinking is "goddamn cop bastards"... yeah - this loser had his number written on the inside. nice pick up method... stress the crap out of me with a fake ticket. that's really gonna make me want to call you.

after the reception it was only right to show jamie around palm beach so we could play "not my town". this is one of my most favorite games. doesnt matter what you do, how much you drink, who you insult, or how ridiculous you behave... cause after all - its not my town! so we goto resort, which is now called hotel bar or something. did you know that jamie is a magician when it comes to the cover charge at a lounge/bar/club? ill tell you her secret... they take your id, and then try and charge cover. this is when jamie says "oh, hmm. ok well i guess we have to go then. maybe there is an atm or something." upon hearing this, doormen at any given venue just smile and say "dont worry ladies, i got this". yeah no shit youve got this. did you really think we were going to pay 10 bucks to get into this place? this technique also worked at the blue martini. i love it. why didnt i ever think of this?

so we eventually end up at cucina. you have your fair share of sugar daddies, yuppies, and trumpettes. (a trumpette is an affluent girl or woman who doesnt need a man to pay for her things cause shes loaded but still has guys falling over themselves to pay for her drinks etc) ahh palm beach. jamie meets a cute boy. he was funny and everything too. again - we can leave him unnamed. but it starts with k and rhymes with lyle. anyway i guess by the end of the night his friends have left him (nice friends) and he needs a ride to delray. umm... i drive an audi tt. there is no room for a 3rd person, let alone a 6'3 guy. so were driving him home and he has a random outburst half way through and im not gonna lie i think he even called me a bitch. umm excuse me? we are helping you asshole! are you even kidding me right now? then the retard even left his crackberry in my car. so we went back to return it. dammit i wish i was a bigger asshole. i would have kept it and just replaced the sim card. after all the crap he was dishing out i think i kind of deserved the blackberry.

humble.

2008-04-24T22:17:00.002-05:00

so im sifting through my messages on match and today i get this from someone who shall remain unnamed because even i am not THAT mean. sorry to disappoint.

he ends his message with the following:

PS- You are the first person who writes "I'm quite humble" and "i stand out in a crowd and am one of a kind" in the same paragraph.

its called sarcasm retard.

match.

2008-04-21T22:05:00.010-05:00

so im new to this whole blog thing and ive been asking around for some topics. i need material people! and thats when it hit me. idea! i joined match.com the other day and in the past 4 days i have amassed 3492 views. wait - 3493. goddamn people. and do you know what these characters have to say when they send you a message?

"great eyebrows!" - umm, thanks?

"can i interest you in an older man with a private jet, secluded island, and passion for buying shiny things?" - yeah...no.

"im looking for the love of my life. i really think it could be you and this is why..." - are you kidding me right now?

umm. wow. look people, dont message me. im a jerk. im only on this thing to gather fodder for my blog. so youd think maybe the weirdo factor would shy me away from some of these people. nope. anyway tonight i went out for a mini drink with someone. oh god. here we go...

i meet this one particular wack job at mizner park in boca. first of all - you do not look like your pictures. i mean, he did but maybe a lil heavier and more forehead. please kill me. anyway the first thing i say is "umm are you ok? why are you all bugged out?" and he simply says "i didnt take my adderall today" isnt that stuff for 10 yr olds that cant sit still? this guy was wigging out. his eyes were darting all over the place and then he has the cojones to tell me that he thinks im more of a friend. babe, are you kidding right now? i have been wanting to leave since i parked my car. so we painfully sit through some small talk and the worst mojito ive ever had when i think my brain is finally falling into a coma i say "alrighty i think its time to go" to which he replies... "so i dont think ill see you again". umm no shit.

at least he paid for the drinks.

i can tell this month will be full of entertaining situations.

vino.

2008-04-19T23:54:00.005-05:00

i was out buying some boozing supplies today (read: wine for my dad). as im walking up to the door i notice a few guys standing outside. ok whatever. i go in, find what i need, and head to the register. ps this is like the biggest liquor store i have ever seen (outside of binny's in chicago). all i could think while i was in this place is how cool it would have been in gainesville. as im paying i notice 2 of the guys from outside. they have just finished paying and are slowly getting ready to leave. we leave together.

"hey mami!"

excuse me? you are buying cheap beer, you have corn rows or corn rolls or whatever, you are chewing on a toothpick and your pants are falling off. why in gods name would you think i want to talk to you? and why would you yell at me in spanish. listen ese... we are not in mexico or cuba or someplace that serves chalupas. i am not your mami, nor will i ever be.

lightspeed.

2008-04-18T23:15:00.004-05:00

i hate spin class. up. down. up. down. make up your goddamn mind. that class makes my knees hurt so bad i wish someone would just kick the instructor in the face so we could get out early. the instructor, by the way, looks exactly like britney spears pre-fat ugly babies. wow. sorry, but her kids are not cute. and shes always talking about keeping up your lightspeed. what the hell does that even mean? if i could travel at lightspeed i sure as shit wouldn't be in this class.

after spin class, jamie and i venture out into the weight area. you've really gotta weave your way through the steroids and fake boobs to even manage a workout. and then right when you think you can peacefully push your way through a workout some socially inept meathead has to make comments about your form and that he likes when you bend over. first of all, you look like you fell asleep in the tanning bed. get a life. none of the girls in here are interested in you. so mind your own business and leave me alone. you have too much gel in your hair for the gym and youre wearing a baby tee. get real. la fitness has more douchebags per square foot than any other gym. i wonder how high the douche factor is at an la fitness in miami. holy moses - i cant even imagine.

props.

2008-04-13T18:23:00.006-05:00

if you saw me hopping around south beach last night you'll understand my love for props.

jamie and i arrived and headed straight to sushi samba. after a few free lychee mojitos for me and coconut mojitos for jamie - made by the greatest penelope cruz look alike bartender (merli) - we were in prime prop scouting mode. the drunk prop is always better than the sober prop. it's more random and makes a lot less sense. tonight's prop was the mini lobster claw that came with my sushi. his name is heathrow. yeah, like the airport.

jamie carefully tucked our new friend into her clutch (bad idea) and he would come out later in the night when we were making new friends or getting to know the door men at various places like the delano, cameo, mynt, and some random rooftop party. we were a hit. this was until we got out of a cab at the delano - well i got out, jamie fell out. i laughed. as she fell something popped out of her clutch and fell right into the drainage thing at the curb. holy shit. we were not concerned about it being the car keys, camera, or cell phone. it was heathrow. goddamit - we just acquired that prop. i suddenly broke out my faux british accent as a replacement for the lost lobster claw. but then i had a genius idea... "jamie you gotta put your hand down there and save him! leave no man behind!"

we saved heathrow and walked right into the delano. heathrow began making friends and combined with my accent - we were golden. why do i do this accent? i have no idea. because it makes me laugh. people are so stupid they actually believe it's real. i call it bristralian. yeah cause i'm indian, british, and i lived in australia so "it's become quite a hodge podge of an accent". oh and jamie was promoting my argentinian heritage. i am none of these things - except indian. this is great until someone challenges the authenticity of your fake accent.

affliction.

2008-04-12T17:59:00.015-05:00

it's not so much that i'm an asshole. it's more that you're an idiot. now if you are taking that personally instead of realizing that i am referencing the general public - then yes, you are an idiot. and no i don't want to dance with you. i don't even want you to buy me champagne. get lost frodo.

i'm finally getting over this ridiculous case of the plague that i had recently acquired and so i was out last night. surprise. first of all, are you serious right now about the way some of these guys dress? listen, buddy, button up your shirt, wipe down your forehead, and get a real haircut. you wanna leave a button or two open? fine by me. but please don't leave it open to the point where i can see that you pierced your belly button cause it was cool when you went to brazil that one time. and why in god's name is your shirt starched open? cotton is not supposed to lay that way. no really - stop with the starch. and why are you so greasy? it is not 100 degrees in here. wipe your face off cause it's blinding me. you have so much gel in your hair... wait, i mean paste. you have so much paste in your hair you just robbed some poor kid of being able to make a macaroni painting in art class tomorrow. you did not grow up gotti - so seriously about a quarter size of gel in the palm of your hand will do. even the gottis don't look good with the gotti haircut. goddamn, i wish i had my camera last night. i would have had enough pictures to fuel that hot girls with douchebags website straight into 2011.

and one last thing... this new trend of the tattoo art on the designer t-shirts. huh? it was cute on that one hot guy when the trend first started but last night i think i saw every tattoo emotion possible: affliction. desire. devotion. angst. are you kidding me right now? you look like a homo - take that shit off. and you want me to dance with your sweaty ass? are you retarded? i can't stop laughing because you dance like donkey kong. lay off the juice and give your arms a rest at the gym. you probably can't even touch your shoulders. lame. i would never want to take a YMCA picture with you - you would be a shitty M.

off to south beach with jamie tonight. camera is charged and ready. let's see if we can't find some good material.